During one of my more lucid moments this weekend I realised I wanted to have sex with Barack Obama. Actually, let me rephrase that, I don’t just want to have the usual tawdry, quick my wife is out I can spare five minutes, back seat of the Lexus kind of sex, I want to make love with Obama; you know, that merging of the souls kind of thing reserved for those where intercourse is more than just bumping uglies for a quick thrill, but some kind of apex of human intimacy. Not had that before and I want Obama to be my first.
Say Lon, can we fit this in before I have to go off and save the American economy and reestablish our reputation around the world?
YES WE CAN!
You are going to have to stop that you know?
YES I WILL!
Well OK then, take your clothes off and prepare to receive the PoPOTUS
I am not sure where Michelle has been relegated to whilst we role across his Stars & Stripes duvet. I think I may have to vanquish her via some gladatorial arm wrestling competition at a later stage.
Of course the rest of the United States aside from a few cave dwellers and Sarah Palin have been making love to Obama for the past couple of years; some even go back longer than that in their masturbatory appreciation of the His Imperial Gorgeousness, harking back to some speech he made somewhere at some point that was inspiring. I can only imagine that everything he does his graced with angel dust, so the sex, I am imagining is going to be mind blowing. It would leave you basking in some a majestic golden hue, all those unfortunate sexual malfunctions banished for the 15 minute window between his meeting with Hilary Clinton and a speech on climate change. He is already in his suit by the time you have raised your head for your first post-coital cigarette. Uplifting dirty talk that sounds like Shakesperean prose – “he made me feel like the most important tramp in the world”. He is just the fittest, most fuckable politician here has ever been, and to it all the ore exotic and taboo, he is half-white.
It is kind of a shame he wants to pimp me out to all his banker and auto-industry friends, I mean, he is a God, but there is a limit to who even a girl of loose morals like myself will sleep with. I may have to draw the line at city bankers, besides, these days they grind away above you their eyes vacant and glancing out to the balcony: Bless, their heart is just not in it.
Now I know what you are thinking; aside from this post is unfunny and crass I mean; you are thinking, “Lon dear, you might just be setting your expectations a little high here. Perhaps you should settle for a Nicholas Sarkozy or some leader from one of those Arab countries.” American readers may also add a “Keep your hands off bitch, I saw him first,” just for good measure. Well, I do have a back up plan. If I can’t have Obama, I want his children. No, not in that sense sickos! It’s just if Obama is the sexiest, pimp-daddyiest politician of all time, his kids are the most adorable creatures ever. You know when you see a kitten or a puppy and you go, “Awwwwww… I so want one of those”, well, even this hard-bitten cynic in training feels that way about the Obamalings. They are that cute.
Malia and Sasha Obama
This is the kind of cuteness that can solve problems. I don’t know about dispatching Hilary Clinton to the Middle East to resolve the Israel Palestinian conflict they should just have a TV broadcast from the Obamalings imploring parties to get round the table and ‘just talk’: completely irresistible. I don’t want kids, but I do want my own Malia and Sasha. I feel like a broody Madonna or Angelina Jolie, in need of a visit to a (soon to be) third world country to adopt some beaming non-white child. Except these just happen to be the daughters of the incumbent president.
So yeah, as kidnap is out, indeed there is probably some FBI computer webcrawler signalling a red light having found the names of his children and the word kidnap in a blog post. Don’t panic and don’t dispatch the Bourne like assassin to dispatch me, I do not plan to kidnap Obama’s kids, I am going for the more realistic prospect of cloning. Anyone know where I can get Obamaling DNA at all?
X- Lon -X
March 9, 2009 at 10:44 am
Yeah, that’d be fun!
March 15, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Oh my, just the title alone merits a comment, sans content. You are too much.
March 15, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Ok, the twitter interaction b/w you and Obama also gets a comment. So hilarious.
Actual content will be savored at a later time, likely commented to (so much reading, such a short attention span).
March 16, 2009 at 1:57 am
Post deserves a comment, as well, nice work.
As usual, the queen (princess ?) of randy intellectual metaphors strikes again!
Don’t settle for Nicholas Sarkozy btw, I hear he’s a dick and he gave Rhianna herpes.
March 22, 2009 at 1:51 pm
“Don’t settle for Nicholas Sarkozy btw, I hear he’s a dick and he gave Rhianna herpes.”
Another one off the list then. I hear the new leader in Iceland is a lesbian and I know a few Bjork songs….
March 16, 2009 at 6:44 pm
“masturbatory appreciation of the His Imperial Gorgeousness”
what lovely diction!
Me, I want Sarah Palin as do a LOT of U.S. men both conservative AND liberal. But, I do not want anything quite so intimate. A quick bang in the back of the S.U.V. would be fine for me.
I get the strong impression that she would be extremely annoying after the second or third, “You BETCHA!”
March 22, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I hear Bristol Palin is free now, and she has form…
March 19, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Lol, nice post. I’m sure Obama is blushing as he reads this.
I guess people finally have president who isn’t old/ugly/weird to fantasize about. Perhaps it’ll help countless women get through the dark times of the recession.
“A quick bang in the back of the S.U.V. would be fine for me.”
– lol Gryph you old romantic!!
Palin is quite hot (we’re talking in terms of politicians really which set the bar pretty low), and I reckon I could have her shouting socialist slogans in no time!
March 20, 2009 at 5:41 am
Or you’d be singing “Sieg Heil!”
March 22, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Would not be the first time a Republican got fucked over by a Kennedy.
March 20, 2009 at 5:42 am
Lon, I’m linking you. Did you notice?
March 20, 2009 at 10:07 am
I am seeming a few more visits than normal actually. Thanks very much.
March 21, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Good.
That was a better response than the last time I asked that question. The last time the reply was “No. Try a bit to the left.”
March 22, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Be afraid! There lies socialists.
April 5, 2009 at 12:18 pm
to the left or to the right . . . I takes what I can gets.
March 22, 2009 at 2:32 pm
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